Jodi's Story of Love, Loss, and Lifelong Resilience

When faced with the kind of adversity that could cripple even the strongest spirit, how does one not only survive but thrive? We are honored to have Jodi, author of "Choosing My Tomorrow," as our guest, who shares her poignant narrative that weaves through the tragic loss of her first husband, to finding strength in her role as a single parent and resilient partner to a fellow officer grappling with PTSD. Her deeply touching memoir is a powerful reminder of the human capacity for resilience and hope in the midst of life's most unforgiving storms.

As we listen to Jodi’s story, it's clear that grief and trauma play no favorites, striking with a heavy hand whether one is in the public eye or not. Through her experiences, Jodi exposes the raw realities of mourning a spouse as a police widow, contending with the criminal justice system, and the solidarity found within the network of first responders. The conversation reveals how the act of storytelling, and the communal sharing of these stories, is not just cathartic but vital for emotional healing and growth. Jodi’s journey is a testament to the power of community support and the courage it takes to keep moving forward.

Culminating in lessons on fostering joy and mental wellness, this episode traverses the complex terrain of trauma recovery. Jodi's insights into resilience coaching for first responders underscore the importance of non-verbal connection and provide practical advice for supporting a partner with mental health challenges. Her narrative culminates in an empowering call to break the stigma surrounding mental health, as she underscores the significance of seeking help and the personal nature of the healing journey. Join us for this  exploration of loss, love, and the enduring power of choice.

Coaching: https://www.jodiebaulkham.com/
Book: https://www.jodiebaulkham.com/books
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jodiebaulkham/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

He had come home from his regular shift but was on call until seven Phone had rang. He got called out and never came home, and he was shot by a drug dealer and killed on October 6, 2007. And so I was home on maternity leave with Alexis, who was eight months old, and that began my experience with traumatic grief and I felt like I was making a living, even though I want to check out the ways that I've been feeling.

Speaker 2: 0:58

I don't want to be a let down. I used to feel invincible and now I feel invisible. Tell me you're not alone. I'm Mr Pinnacle. Never thought that I'd be at home. I'm at a loss now. Invested so much, I just got to get the cost down. It's time to focus on myself, and I'm committed fully. Adapt an overcom, stay ready, always fit for duty. Welcome back to the Pippity.

Speaker 3: 1:17

Dee podcast. I'm Juan Poccas first sponsor, dedicated to breaking the stigma of mental health. I'm happy to introduce our guest, who has turned personal tragedy into a powerful story of resilience and hope. Our guest is Jodi Welcome. Author of a new book, Choosing my Tomorrow Surviving Murder, Navigating Mental Health and Harnessing the Power of Choice, Jodi shares the inspiration behind her memoir, recounting the pivotal moment when her world shattered with the loss of her husband in the line of duty, leaving her the sole parent of their eight month old daughter. Jodi shares key lessons she helps readers will take away from her book, offering practical advice on cultivating resilience and finding joy in unexpected places. I'll miss this insightful conversation with Jodi. The story is a testament to the human spirit's capacity for resilience and finding joy even the face of the most challenging moments. You can find her book on Amazon, as well as resources on the website at JodiWelcomecom. I'll also leave these in the show details. Do you do a podcast?

Speaker 1: 2:09

No only guests on some. So this is still stepping into this new world yeah.

Speaker 3: 2:15

I think you do great because I see that you have your coaching and consulting business. So yes.

Speaker 1: 2:21

I think that would be great, so I am used to the one-on-one and the virtual environment in that realm. Just talking about the book and my experience, that's still new because it's just been released.

Speaker 3: 2:36

Yeah, so how was that for you writing the book?

Speaker 1: 2:39

Writing the book. Pretty cathartic. Actually, I really didn't have intentions of writing a book, but it happened. About a year ago, the fall of 2022, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and fortunately I wasn't ill. I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation. My solution was strictly surgical, but I went through four surgeries in two months, ending with a double mastectomy, and so I was in recovery for a great amount of time, and so when you're given that diagnosis at 44, it really again helps bring your world into.

Speaker 1: 3:21

What are we doing? You know, like to try to be put on this earth to make an impact is what I'm doing, what I actually want to be doing, and so it gave me a lot of time to reflect. And at the same time, my mom had come to help out in the house and my daughter at the time was almost 16. And her biological father was my first husband who was killed in the line of duty. And so my mom is a prolific scrapbooker and she brought all of her assembly of newspaper clippings and cards and pictures from different memorials and stuff and wanted to present this to my daughter, and so Alexis is consuming this now as a 16-year-old.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Alexis was killed on the day she turned eight months old. So you know, consuming this information as a teenager, as a young woman, and navigating her thoughts with what I had told her were the facts of the case. When I had learned them through the court proceedings, they weren't the same, because the media reports things differently until they know the answers, and so there's a lot of speculation, and in our case, there was a six-day manhunt before the killer was apprehended. And so she's like mom, you told me this, but the newspaper said that. And so you know, during this time of my reflection and then engaging in these conversations with my teenager, it started to bring up more of the emotions from what had happened around. Chris and you know very open conversations about these things, but in order to help me process, I started to write, and it was through that writing that became what is now the book.

Speaker 3: 5:14

Nice, I like it. Has the daughter read the book yet? Sorry, who has your daughter read the book yet?

Speaker 1: 5:23

You know what? She got to chapter three and said mom, this is really sad it is. However, you know the ending Like it gets better, like you're living the life that we have created for ourselves, despite all of the crap that we went through to get here. So she is re-engaging with it because some of her teachers have read it and are asking questions and she doesn't know how to answer them because she hasn't read it. So that's a little bit more motivation for her to engage.

Speaker 3: 5:55

I always like to ask people who wrote, who written books, because I remember when I wrote my book it took me like a year and but it could have been done a lot sooner. But to kind of give you like my, I was writing the book, got 3000 words in and I felt like I don't know if you got this point in when you're writing it out. But it was just like who's going to read this book? I was like God, why would I write this book? Who's going to read it? It makes no sense.

Speaker 3: 6:22

And it was just negativity after negativity, and just telling my I pretty much just yeah, I pretty much just bought myself and put on the shelf and I was like, yeah, and no one knew about the book anyways too. So I had no one to even know my own goal and I had no one to even they even knew if I didn't do the goal or not. So like no one knows, only I know. But it's just stuck with me for a while. And then, like six months later, there's this little moment and then finished the book. But for you, when you wrote the book, how was that process? From like beginning to end?

Speaker 1: 6:50

Yeah, it was actually quite quick once it started to flow, and the book is divided into three parts the widow, where I talk about my experience losing Chris in the line of duty, but then the second part is about the wife and that's the current world I exist in, where I support my husband who has PTSD and major depressive disorder as a result of his policing duties, and so the the reflecting on the widow part came very easily. I had been able to articulate and I could process, and Chris isn't around to judge it. But with Brent it's a different story. Like he's, like he's active, and I talk about Alexis's obsessive compulsive disorder. So you know, the two most important people in my life are here to weigh in and that was really.

Speaker 1: 7:43

It slowed me down. It also caused me to have some pause. It was my editor who noticed it when I gave him the rough draft. He's like okay, the first part, I can clearly hear your voice.

Speaker 1: 7:56

In the second part you switch. You switch the tone of your writing and that came from a place of fear. So, with Phil's help, I was I was able to switch it back again to my experience supporting Brent and my experience supporting Alexis, instead of the narrative of trying to educate people, and so I was able to go by trade. And so, when it comes to the conversations around reducing stigma, especially in first responders, I started to move into the advocate role and so, you know, talking about signs and symptoms, talking about how you can support, and kind of left out my experience within that in the rough draft, and so, through a lot of coaching and coaxing, I was able to better articulate what my experience was. And there's ups and there are downs and you can't gloss over the things that are hard when you're living with someone who has, you know, struggling with mental health challenges.

Speaker 3: 9:04

I really want to get into that later. I'm definitely going to because I really caught my attention because obviously I wrote a book on mental health for first responders. So I really want to get into Brent and his thoughts and whatnot. But before I started I just all the time also going off track. I was like a million ways and so I had so many questions but just for everyone listening, like can you tell us about the book? And like your journey and pretty much what got you to write the book in the first place with the first strategy.

Speaker 1: 9:29

Yeah, so I think what got me to write the book. I have been comfortable public speaking for some time. I actually work in the learning and development department of the Royal Canadian Baptist Police, and so I was so well supported after Chris was killed that I'm able to work in the organization and I speak out about mental health. And so it was through my storytelling inside of the organization about my experience. And so, if I can go back, in the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, which is the beginning of October, my husband, chris, was on call in a small community in Canada's Northwest Territories so we don't, you know, in the Arctic 3,500 people. He had come home from his regular shift but was on call until seven. Phone had rang. He got called out and never came home, and he was shot by a drug dealer and killed on October 6, 2007.

Speaker 1: 10:33

And so I was home on maternity leave with Alexis, who was eight months old, and that began my experience with traumatic grief. And so I was all of a sudden left as an only parent trying to, you know, learn what happened to my husband. Because they couldn't find the killer right away. There was a nationwide manhunt for him. Myself and Chris's parents had decided to hold a regimental funeral in our nation's capital, which is where Chris grew up, and so it required logistics from you know, getting my family to that place, getting Chris's body after the autopsy to that place, navigating all of the ceremonial aspects that come with honoring a fallen member in that way, and so I felt very much like I was put on display for the first part, you know, in a. I felt very supported and cared for, but what is so very public, what I was going through kind of fast forward.

Speaker 1: 11:44

A year and a half later I was ready to reengage in the workforce and that's when I started my position with the RCMP in learning and development and started to show up in the world as this new version of myself, having come through that grief aspect of my life. The trial was two years later, and so I participated in that six week trial. The killer was convicted of first degree murder with a sentence of life in prison. But life in prison in Canada is not at all life when you're a young person who commits a crime. The person who did this was only 20 when he went to prison and he's eligible for parole after 25 years, so he could potentially get out in the next six years. He's actually applied to get earlier parole in that, and we're going through that process right now to impress upon the court system that you know the original sentence was appropriate and accurate for the state of the crime that he committed. So those things happened in 2009 but continue to be a part of my life now.

Speaker 1: 13:05

I remarried in 2011 to another police officer, and life was very blissful for a while until he started to exhibit signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, to the point where he actually had a nervous breakdown and had to recover from that, and so supporting him has been my everyday since our relationship started.

Speaker 1: 13:34

There's episodes and there's flows, and we can talk about that a little bit later, but that is how I became more of an advocate for reducing the stigma associated with mental health. Because Brent was very resistant to seek help, he was actually brought into a position to start a peer support program to help support members who were struggling, but held such a strong self-stigma that he wouldn't seek that help when he needed it, and so he medically discharged from the force in May of 2015, was very unhappily retired for, I would say, two years that was our most difficult time and then has started to really see the benefits of all of the work that he's put in over the years through therapy and self-care and engaging all of the different strategies he's learned along the way to get to a point where things are better managed than they ever have been before.

Speaker 3: 14:33

Going back to that moment in 2007, which was your husband. Well, first I want to say sorry because I mean, I know it was a long time ago, but I could only imagine what it would be like to go through that to be married to someone and then they leave and never come home. I could only imagine what that would be like. But the person you are now is obviously we went through this whole process and you came out, like you said, told your daughter, like a much better person, you feel great, you're a much better physician today.

Speaker 3: 15:06

But when that happened, how would you when people because obviously when you got put on this front, center stage type of thing, and I'm guessing a lot of officers were coming up and being like I'm so sorry for what happened, and most people are coming up and like, but when you're grieving and you're in that moment, how did you process all of that? Everyone's wanting to help so much and kind of like well, in my experience, like trying to like bombard you in a way, but you're just kind of like want to deal with it, like I just want to be in my own little space, like I get what they're trying to do. Their intentions are great, but I don't want to deal with it like how did you process all of that?

Speaker 1: 15:43

You articulate exactly how I was feeling through your question. You know that people want to do well, but you just want it to go away. And for me, you know you're still in a shock and you're in this blurred state and I was getting shuttled around and there were planes and there were cars and there were more motorcades and all of the different things, and I just felt like I was a follower. You know, people said you had to be here at this time and they organized it and then I would go. But it was only through the process of really reflecting through the writing that I was able to give narrative and emotion to what I was experiencing at the time. And for me, I stayed out of hey River for about three weeks before, like dealing with the funeral and the paperwork, and then I went back up north with Alexis and it was just the two of us and then our northern friends there was no family that came with me and I think that was really what I needed to have it start to sink in, to like this actually happened. Okay, what are my next steps?

Speaker 1: 16:55

While I was getting all of the condolences, I was in the service industry for a long time. I was a waitress and I put on my waitress face and I just said thank you and I gave the hugs and I tried to tell myself that all of the people that I was meeting, they were giving it their best at the time, even though I may not have wanted it or I couldn't take it in the way maybe I could have now I really did try to give them the benefit of that doubt, even though internally there were I rolling or swear words or all of the things where I just I didn't want to be there. But I had the thoughts that this is the best way to honor Chris and I will do everything that I can in order to show up as the spouse and the loving wife that I am.

Speaker 3: 17:48

When I was kind of like explaining myself, like I guess we all kind of feel similar in the sense of we all go through some white thought, so that's what I could describe it just like. Don't talk to me. How was the support from the department Exceptional?

Speaker 1: 18:05

Yeah, exceptional. They really rallied around and I think, having, you know, been on the inside of the RCMP now for almost 15 years, I even have more of an appreciation of all of the efforts that were put in to one managing the investigation, because it went across provinces, you know, it went across police forces. So there was a huge integration and joint operations that took place from the operational side of things, from logistics and management and budget, to try to help support the funeral and navigating the family members from different parts of the country and all of the escorting. I even Chris's brother, his youngest brother, peter, was actually in London, england, at the time that this happened and so, with Interpol, they actually sent a member to Heathrow Airport to flag Pete down before he just saw it on the news. So that you know, above and beyond, there's no way.

Speaker 1: 19:10

Without their support I would have felt like I could work in the organization Right Like I know. You know, first responders, we are family members. It doesn't matter what force you belong to or what role you play in it. You know there's a brotherhood and a sisterhood and it is so strong and that continues today. From a policy perspective, you know I've helped to update family resources that support families like mine. I've helped to provide input to the fallen and critically injured members. Guides like those types of things. You know you're as someone who's been there. You have a little bit more insight into some of the things that the families might need and want.

Speaker 3: 19:52

No, that's true and I'm glad that that was. I'm glad you have the experience with the department as well and I'm guessing it's going really great still. Now. That's good as far as I kind of want to go into back into the initially in the beginning as well, if you, if you feel comfortable, great. If not, then just let me know. But can you kind of explain like a time, like I said, like I can only imagine what that would be like. But can you explain a time where you kind of felt like you're lowest during like the grieving part of it, just like after it happened, and kind of being this is, this is you and your a month. This is you and your a month. You're a month, you're all makes sense, a month old baby.

Speaker 1: 20:33

Yeah, two points really stick out for me. One was the day that I was leaving the north just to go down to Ontario just to be with Chris's family, and so you know he was. He was found in the morning. I went to the hospital. He was pronounced, I went, I asked to see him.

Speaker 1: 20:58

By the time I kind of came out of the ER, a bunch of my friends had assembled already at the hospital and we went from the hospital directly to our home and so from that moment on, steady, for five days, I didn't have any alone time. There was always people in the house, people coming by the house, there was always. I didn't have any alone time. And so the morning that I was leaving I literally kicked everyone else out of the house. I could tell that I was going to have a visceral release of emotion and I didn't want people to see that, I didn't want to share that with anyone, and so I was hurriedly kicking everyone out.

Speaker 1: 21:41

And this is October in the north, it's not warm.

Speaker 1: 21:44

They, as I, just stand on the driveway like I need to have my house, my Alexis and Chris's house just to have this moment. And I went and I grabbed his undershirt and I clutched it and I just bold, and I think that for me was the beginning of the realization of what had happened, and so that was kind of pointed memory number one. The second one was about five months later, and I haven't had an allergy to penicillin and I have a medical alert bracelet but I never wore it because Chris was always there. He was always going to be able to tell people that I had the allergy, and so it was when I was kind of cleaning out my bedside table and I found the medical alert bracelet. I'm like, holy shit, like I am alone, like I need to be wearing this. I do not have my person to be able to tell the doctors what they need to know. Alexis isn't old enough to have that conversation, and that was one of the moments that I felt the most alone.

Speaker 3: 22:53

Sorry, now I'm kind of a softy, but that part with you, I just kept thinking about the part with you clutching the shirt and it just kind of gets me a little. Yeah, because I think about one of the things that I thought about when I got into my shooting. I talk about leaving my. There's a part where I was telling I'm not very religious or what not, but there was a part where I was kind of reaching out and telling whoever was up there, pretty much telling them goodbye, and then before I go, do the action I was going to do, and I always played in my head like my son receiving the flag, and then telling you, telling you, telling clutching the shirt or what that would be like, post after something was to happen. So it kind of gets me a little weird, but super happy.

Speaker 3: 23:55

You could talk about it, though, as well as you do. But can you kind of go into that? What kind of? Because to me, time is not so much like a thing. Well, the way I look at it, yeah, it's 2007, it's 2024 now, but it really comes down to the person how well they did with processing all the grief and making sure that they, like they're able to talk about it. Now, like with my stuff, I'm able to talk about it, and I think it's because of having to talk so much about it all the time. And then writing the book helped out a lot, doing the pocket thoughts. So now I could just say it, can you kind of go into that like how are you able to tell your story? But then also you still think of those moments as you're explaining certain things right. And so how did you like yeah, how did you do it like to get to this point where you had not, because you explained it really well.

Speaker 1: 24:46

Yeah, thank you. I've always been of the opinion when I can articulate it, then I've really begun to process it. And when you talk about how do you do it, what comes up first for me is the fact that, because Alexis was only eight months old, I did not have a choice to curl up in a ball and sleep all day and shut myself in. She continued to want to eat at a regular basis and have her diapers changed and all of the things that babies do, and all of the things that babies do, as tiring as they can be, they can bring you such joy. And so, as her mom, as painful as it was to think about a future that was only going to be the two of us, she continued to learn how to curl, she continued to learn how to clap, she continued to giggle, and so she didn't sense that pain, or, if she did, she turned on the joy a whole lot more in order to help her mama out.

Speaker 1: 25:56

So I think for me, it was the realization that joy and pain can coexist, and my life couldn't stop because I was sad, and so I very quickly stopped asking why, why me, why did this happen? I very quickly turned to okay, what's next? What do I have to do for myself? What do I have to do for Alexis? What can I do in my life that is going to contribute to making hers the best it can be, because this shit is not going to affect her the way that it's going to affect me. And so it was that mama bear protection element of what can I do, and it's been that question over the last 16 years that has kept me moving forward Instead of getting caught in the why, because that I'll never get answered and it's not going to change the reality that he's gone.

Speaker 1: 26:57

So, what's next? What's next, what's next? And I still ask myself those questions now with Brent, like as he was going through his hard times. You know, this is our reality. Okay, what's next? How can I support? And so it's that forced, it's answering that question that forces you to think forward.

Speaker 3: 27:20

What do you think would, do you think you'd be do? Would you have handled the process similar If you didn't have a, if you didn't have your daughter at the time?

Speaker 1: 27:27

Oh yeah, I can't imagine that I would have. I think I would have gone, gone dark, I think, a lot more than I did, unfortunately for my family. I've there. I'm one of four girls and three of us have lost our husbands I think before we were 40 to because of medical conditions, and then one at the hands of a criminal, and I watched my sisters have to deal with their children's grief because they were old enough to know that their dad was gone, and that was hard. I mean watch it. And they watched their husband's deteriorate and they took on that nursing role where mine was very sudden.

Speaker 1: 28:16

And it's interesting. When you talk, you know, with your little peer support group of sisters, you know it's it's. It's something other than just sisterhood. You are now in widowhood together and they, they will take their situation over mine and I will take mine over there and I think it's just you get used to and you rationalize the hand that you were dealt, and so my hand had an infant in it and mama had to take care of her, and so to think about what it would have been like without her, I really don't know and I haven't let myself spend a lot of time thinking about that because it just wasn't my reality.

Speaker 3: 29:01

I just felt like she was a great, a key piece and all of this and this is a career story.

Speaker 1: 29:09

And then see her now I would, when you're, when she was old enough to kind of understand things like what would you say you first told your daughter about like a like dad, and this is what happened, yeah, so I enlisted the help of a child psychologist to get guidance on how to manage little people questions about these types of things, and so the advice that I was given that I still use today is only answer the question that is asked. Don't offer more details, because they can only process and take in the question that they're asking. And so when she was little and didn't have speech, there were pictures of Chris and I around the house of our wedding day. She would go over to her grandparents' house. She would see pictures of him with his brothers and his sister, and so there was a recognition that she had a dad, and then anyone in a red surge uniform was daddy, right. So she understood that there is a uniform attached to a figure that people were calling her dad. And then she went to school and she started to see other father figures around.

Speaker 1: 30:32

By this time Brent was in our lives, and so when she was three she came and decided to call Brent dad, and so she knows that she, when she was little, she knew she had a Chris daddy and a Brent daddy, and that language went on for a while, and then now it's just Brent is dad and Chris is still Chris daddy when we talk about him. But now she's a young woman. She's able to ask all of the questions and I can give her answers as an adult. But growing up she wanted to know stories about how he was, what were his interests. He was a big football fan. He played in university, so we talked a lot about football. We are both huge football fans. That is what we do. We watch football together. So there's pieces of things that he was interested in that now Alexis has adopted as an interest herself, and I think that's a way for them to maintain a connection.

Speaker 3: 31:38

That's awesome. Now we're talking football, we're talking CFL, we're talking NFL.

Speaker 1: 31:43

I do like both. I do like both. I have to say my team did not come out as the victors of the Super Bowl. My daughter is a Swiftie, so that was an interesting dynamic that night. But yes, I do watch all college. Ncaa is my favorite. Just watching the kids play for pride and not profit. So I enjoy that and the marching band's really intrigued me.

Speaker 3: 32:12

That is true. I barely learned about not barely. But when I was 18, I had met a family from Canada on a cruise ship and I went to go visit them. Oh no, I was 15. And then I met a family on a cruise ship, made a family with Canada and the dad who I got really close with was one of the professional CFL player and I'm like what the heck is CFL? And he's like, oh, it's the Canadian football. And I'm like I didn't even know that was a thing.

Speaker 3: 32:40

Yeah yeah, that was cool when I went to go visit him, though they lived in Alberta. It was so funny because you walk around town, I walk around town with him, and they'd be like, oh, can I get your autograph? Oh, can I get this? I'm like, oh, it's actually a thing here. I thought I was just like the NFL, right.

Speaker 1: 32:58

No, it's not, it's good, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3: 33:02

That's awesome, that you play football in the university, that's cool. So, as far as like what you've been through and you said you have your group with all the other widows, which is really awesome to find other people who are similar kind of went through similar things with you. If you had to help someone who's because obviously, with time is all right now and bad things are gonna happen to cups they ain't gonna stop and I feel like it's only getting worse. Like, what advice would you give to other women who might fall into a similar situation like you?

Speaker 1: 33:43

Yeah, I'll answer that with a story On my way back from the funeral. So I needed to stop in Alberta to sign the paperwork before I returned to the Northwest Territories and the RCMP had set up a meeting for me with Kim Gordon, and she was a widow. She had lost her husband in a mass shooting two and a half years before me, and she had a toddler and was pregnant at the time, and so she was living close to the headquarters there and had offered to come and sit with me, and so we sat in the mess hall and she I got there first. I was sitting down at a circular table and she was walking towards me and she had a box with her and it was a card box, and she just said you're gonna receive a lot of mail. This is somewhere you can put it all. And then she sat down and it wasn't what she said, it was what she didn't have to say because there was the common experience and there was this she was my beacon of hope. Okay, you are two years ahead of me, your kids are doing well, you are surviving.

Speaker 1: 35:02

Like I can do that too, and so when it comes to supporting other fellow member families, it's really for me. I reach out and if they want to engage, I'm happy to chat with them, but I'm most often I like to just sit with them and answer whatever questions they have, because I've done this a number of times and the questions generally are very, very different depending on the concerns of the person and where they're at and what their family situation is like. And so if I could offer any advice to these folks, it's to find people like me, find folks that have gone through it. Typically, departments know who those men and women are and can often put you in touch, and so reach out and engage with those folks. And if you're listening and you are a person like me, reach out to your detachments and your departments to offer that, if this does happen, that you are willing to engage with these families, because you probably know how much of a benefit it is to sit with someone who's been in your shoes.

Speaker 3: 36:25

No, definitely. It actually took someone in my shoes to kind of give me to even think about or go to even talk with someone, because I didn't care to talk with someone. And he didn't even have to say much. He just said hey, little brother, like I know something's wrong, like what's that type of thing, and everyone else is it. Barbara, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like cool, cool, cool. And he just looked at me and was like, know something wrong, like what's up? And I'm just like nothing. He's like, nah, something's up. But it's so crazy how they do that and they just sit there and like. And then he actually didn't even ask me a question After that when I said no, he just pretty much was just like this is what I went through and you know my story. Like the military went up and I go talk with someone, why can't you talk with someone? And I'm like, oh shit, like if this guy could talk with someone, why can't I talk with someone? So it's pretty cool that it's crazy how these people who come into our lives and they've been through it already and they don't even really have to say much, they just kind of just let you figure it out. Like, yeah, like you said, it's weird.

Speaker 3: 37:32

What was that specific turning point? Cause I know you said like one moment you told you had to tell yourself, like I have a kid, I have to make my mindset and change my mindset with like this has to be done. I can't obviously sit here and dark and like, let her be, like she still needs her diaper change, she still needs all the stuff needs to still happen. Do you know when that moment was for you to just, or was it just pretty much this? Cause? I know you said like you didn't have her First five days. Obviously you were not alone. Then, obviously you have this baby. But was it like a specific moment that you remember that was just like you have to make this mindset change quick now, because you're not gonna, you can't wait any longer. It's like there's no waiting. Actually, yeah, there's really no waiting for you.

Speaker 1: 38:08

Yeah, yeah, you know what it was in that moment where I was clutching Chris's shirt at that five day point, having the big cry that I made promises to him about raising our daughter and about keeping his memory alive and doing my very best to support the life that we had imagined for our daughter. So that happened at the same time. Now, how well I was able to execute on those promises, that shifted with time, but the commitment and the conviction to do it was at that five day point.

Speaker 3: 38:52

I like it because it's like you're talking into the universe to kind of say what you're going to make happen, what you're going to do, because you needed that moment and if you never had that moment you wouldn't ever build a process. I like that a lot. In your book you talk about unexpected seeds of hope and joy. Can you tell us about when you found those different moments during these process?

Speaker 1: 39:14

Yeah. So I kind of talked about pain and joy coexisting, mostly in the form of Alexis and watching her development. So all stages of her life have contributed to joy in my life. But I have been able to practice more gratitude in recent years. I tend to see things that I never saw before, like I was very busy in my life being the mom and being the parent and being the supportive wife, and it's over the last, I would say, five years, where I've had to take less of that support, nurturing role and been able to turn inwards a little bit, that I'm able to take a step back from the hustle and the bustle and the support and start to see and experience the world around me in a different way. And I think it's because of that that I'm able to articulate the different things in the book, like I am, because I've had a little bit of a shift in perspective.

Speaker 1: 40:21

And this is also in my coaching practice. I see this a lot, a lot of my clients. They're burnt out, they're hustling and they're hustling and they just they've lost themselves because they're so busy doing work and parenting and spousing. You know, I just made that a verb. You know just all of the things that occupy your time Right, and so when we can take a little bit of a step back for that, like I used to laugh at my parents because they went for drives and I liked watching birds and like, oh my god, you are old, like only old people do that.

Speaker 1: 40:58

Well, in our backyard we have bird feeders and we have bird books now and we watch them flip and flutter and play, and so it's like, wow, I'm a bird watcher, but I find a great amount of joy in that because it's so natural and the power of nature in healing. I have also come to learn, like when Alexis was little you go to the park, you see people, you know you sit on a swing, you feel, you know the rush of the air and the wind and all of those things that maybe some people don't pay attention to. But for me it brought me into a space of the present and the joy of just playing and being a little bit more free than some of the responsibilities in your life will allow for.

Speaker 3: 41:46

I realized for my own self recently too with this I went to the mountains this weekend with my kid and I forgot we live right next to him and I forgot like how much we take up the ground to them, just kind of being there with no phone that doesn't work, and just kind of taking in, like you said, the wind and like just the whole overall environment, just like the birds, the rivers and this kind of sit there and it's definitely life changing and helpful in that sense. So but the bird watcher thing I need to start. I think you're on to something because you talked about.

Speaker 3: 42:19

You talked about the spouting and all that stuff is a lot of work. You know, being a parent and spouting if you're married or whatnot, and or even if you're in a relationship, you have to put work into a relationship. You have to put work into being a good parent. Some people might want to get to that part, but yeah, being a good parent and then, obviously, work itself is just going to take a lot, especially first one to doing shift work and whatnot. Getting called out like takes off a lot of body, but people forget that you sometimes just need to sit with yourself and just take it all in and this, yeah, even if this is for five minutes.

Speaker 3: 42:49

So what about the? Can you kind of go into like obviously it's been so 1024 now. So it's 16 years, you said, and then having to hear about like the man who, what you call the man who is the killer, who's in prison right now, and having to kind of like everything's going well, family is great, daughter is great, you have your husband, brent, he's, every is kind of going good. This is 16 years ago. But then I have to hear about him wanting to have early parole. How does that affect you? Does this affect you at all?

Speaker 1: 43:34

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was a huge gut punch when I got the call from the detachment that, well, all of the proceedings are taking place in the territory where the crime was committed, even though the killer is incarcerated elsewhere. All of the legal proceedings take place in the jurisdiction where it happened, and a colleague of mine I had worked with in Ottawa had been transferred to the north and we hadn't talked for some time. But I got an email saying are you home? Can I call you? Like all this can't be good, knowing where he works and the time frame. So I called him and he confirmed well, not confirmed. He explained that this was happening, and what's I find the most disappointing about the whole process is that. So Chris was killed in 2007. The government of the day was changing legislation so that there was going to be a section of the criminal code repealed, and that happened in 2011, and the part that was repealed that so no one committing a crime from December 4th 2011 onward we have access to the guy who killed Chris still does because he committed his crime in 2007. And so what this is? It was a carrot that the government of the day in the 70s had put in place for people who had committed treason and first degree murder so that they would behave better in prison, because there would be an opportunity, a faint hope clause that they could apply for getting a chance to ask for parole early with good behavior. And so after 15 years served, you're able to apply for this, and that is the statute that he is asking, that he is using in order to start these court proceedings.

Speaker 1: 45:43

So I am home with my mom recovering from a double mastectomy. My daughter is asking me questions about her biological father's murder, and Dyson calls me and tells me this news about the killer. And I was like, okay, universe, like what are you trying to teach me right now? You know I'm pretty resilient, but I'm going to have to pull out all the stops here in order to like be okay with this. And so I had actually made a psychology appointment at the time and I was having concerns about the way that my body had changed since surgery and I wanted to talk that out with Paulette. So in between, when I made that appointment, thinking I was going to go in and talk about my body image issues as a result of my cancer I am now heard about this news. And so I was like okay, let's change focus, because I need to put all of my energy into focusing on this. And so don't you know that when I get into her office and it's the first time I'm meeting with her because we moved and so I needed to find a new care provider this was her second career.

Speaker 1: 46:56

Psychology was her second career. Her first career. She spent 25 plus years with the parole board of Canada, and so she was actually able to shed some light on the process of what I was going to be going through, in addition to helping me craft an updated and new victim impact statement and engage with my 16-year-old daughter as to whether or not she wanted to write her own, because when I went to court when she was two, I wrote it on her behalf. And so there was all of these things coming at me at once and I just felt, okay, I just I need to surrender something because I can't manage it all, and I can't manage it all well, and so I focused on the things that I had control over. I had focused on the language that I put into the new victim impact statement. I used the support and the guidance I received in my therapy sessions in order to engage my daughter in conversations about whether or not she wanted to be a part of this new process as well. So for which she actually said no, mom, I don't want to write my own. If you want to talk about me and yours, that's fine, but I don't want to participate in this.

Speaker 1: 48:17

So that was the acute phases of it, and at the time I thought that I only had a couple of months to prepare all of this.

Speaker 1: 48:26

Well, you know the court system. You will know it doesn't always run smoothly or on time and there are delays, and so it's actually. It hasn't even gone to the first level of court yet, but it's something that, until the killer dies, it's going to be there. You know, like he, even if he's denied this time, he still has 14 more years to continue to reapply, to use this until he actually reaches the 25 years, right? So coming to terms with that, that's one of the things that I've had to be saying okay, I can't do anything about the way that the system works, so I will participate in it from a writing perspective and putting the paperwork in. But aside from that, I don't spend a lot of time or energy anymore. At the beginning I did. I sat in parliament and I talked about repeat offenders and that type of thing that helped to contribute to the change of the law in 2011. But at the stage of my life, I'm making the choice to put my energy somewhere else.

Speaker 3: 49:35

That's really good. I really hope everything works out and I'm super happy that you're a psychologist right, I really have to. Actually that's that's pretty crazy how you walk like you went into situations with people and then half like, oh well, I used to do this, so that's pretty awesome to hear that. I really hope it really does go well, because you said yes, how long left? About 12?.

Speaker 1: 49:57

My math is terrible, right, so 2007. You know what I think he actually? 9 years left 9 years, 9 years from now, yeah.

Speaker 3: 50:08

Yeah, that's still a long time For me. It feels like a long time. So not even in that time yet. Yeah, but courts are kind of weird. When I was a cop, I was like I never go to court. I'm like this makes a lot of. It makes no sense to me. But who am I, you know? Now, as far as like your book, though, someone wants to read your book. I'm going to put the links for your book as well. And what's like the biggest key, what is some of the biggest key lessons that you want let's say anyone who's read the book about to get kind of on your book.

Speaker 1: 50:40

Yeah. So part three is actually my lessons learned, and there are 11 of them and I talk, I give a little narrative about why that lesson is important and what it means, and then I offer self reflection questions and this, I think you know this is the coaching part of me where self awareness and self reflection really will change how you are intentional about the choices and your decision making. So I offer those. I won't go through all 11 of them now, but I think the biggest ones one seek professional help early and often as you need it, and that doesn't necessarily have to be a trained psychologist or counselor. You know there are coaches, there are people, peers, that can help, guide and assist and hear you and having somebody unbiased and maybe unaware a little bit removed from your life can be really, really beneficial and cathartic.

Speaker 1: 51:39

So, number one talk about it with someone who can help. Number two when it comes to supporting someone with mental health concerns, do not take things personally. And that is so much easier said than done, because, as someone who is watching somebody else be triggered or be angry or not know how to regulate, you often feel very helpless and you think that you're contributing. What did I do to set this person off? And often it really has nothing to do with you. And if you can convince yourself of that through some positive self talk and reflection, that really can help to change your outlook and make things into a more positive state of mind than assuming blame. That doesn't need to be placed on yourself. And then I'm going to wrap this up in a kind of an umbrella statement, but I break it down into lessons. But really honing your skill of communication. When you are coming from a place of curiosity and genuine concern, you're able to hear people differently and so you know there's a way that you ask questions. I mean, as a police officer, you have different investigative techniques and interviewing skills and things like that. But when you're engaging with a loved one who is probably quite guarded and reserved and not often thinking as clearly as one would hope. There are techniques and tools that you can use in order to kind of reach them at a deeper level, and so questioning techniques, learning how to use helpful language when you're talking about how you're feeling in your home, in our house, talking about mental health is a daily occurrence. We have a number system that we implemented and that, from a communication perspective, has been one of the best tools that I've used in supporting Brent. It's what's your number today, and so one being extremely low, 10 being extremely joyful. If he's at a three or a four, then we're not going to have a quality conversation about anything Because he's not able to take in what we're saying. Logistically, you know, maybe you can talk about, you know pick up so and so at this time or go to this place, but if you're like what's going on for you today at those low numbers, it's really difficult to engage in a productive way. So we still like what's your number today?

Speaker 1: 54:13

Alexis also does it as a way to gauge ooh, you know who should I ask for this request as a teenager? Can I have the car? Can I go out All of those types of things that using helpful language and finding tools that really work for you really important. So those are kind of like the top ones that I would recommend for folks. And then just give yourself an extreme amount of grace and compassion and don't be nervous or scared to put yourself first, because you cannot care for other people well if you are not well yourself. And so putting yourself first which I think is probably the most difficult thing for a lot of people because you're trying to help all of the other folks in your life and you're stretching yourself in, and I did that for a really long time and then it's when I started to fill up my reserves that I was better able to support those around me.

Speaker 3: 55:13

Well, thank you for sharing, but you brought that number to the system. I'm really curious, can?

Speaker 1: 55:20

you tell me more about that? Yes, so this was one of the couples counseling sessions that Brent and I went to with his psychologist and it was a really eye-opening experience for Dr Andre, because he would ask me questions and I would give answers and I could tell Brent had never talked about whatever. My answer was right.

Speaker 1: 55:42

You go in, you're able to present however you want to. And, gilbert, I don't know if this was what you experienced the first time you went into to see your therapist, but it's like you're guarded. You may not want to divulge everything, right? So you know, when you bring your spouse in, who's watching you in your home environment and is describing your habits and your patterns and your behavior to your doctor, those types of things are a bit unnerving and off-putting, and so it was in that session that we said, okay, you know like what type of system can work in your house. And so he informed us of the number system and it's worked till this day. You know like we are currently going through a move and we are moving his son and his daughter-in-law, and you know moving is very stressful. So it's like, okay, how are we doing today? What's your number? You know so it still guides our my readiness and his readiness to engage each other in conversations.

Speaker 3: 56:49

I love it. But let's say a number is low. The low means bad right. So let's say a number is low, what do you? Is there like a goal to make the number higher, or you just kind of let the person be?

Speaker 1: 57:03

So when the number is low, I do a few things. I look around and I see it. What is he? What is he eating? Because that appetite is the first thing to go when he starts to dip into a depressive state. And so it's like, okay, is he eating? Like, can I get some food into him to help raise that number? And sometimes, you know, we call it going dorsal, like going down into the television room with all the lights off and just like watching UFC.

Speaker 1: 57:28

When I see that, I know that things are not in the best place, but as much as I hate watching UFC, I just sit beside him and he knows that I'm there. I will touch his hand. You know physical contact is important and so it's. I don't talk, but I make sure that his basic needs are met and that I am physically there to support. And then, typically, you know, a couple of days of this, he starts to come around. In the book I talk about when those days were longer and longer and there were some suicidal ideation and how we navigated that. But right now, when it happens, it's just I am here for you. You know I'm coming from a place of care and concern. You get 24 hours to kind of be a dick, and then you're going to reengage with the family.

Speaker 3: 58:26

So, hold my hand.

Speaker 1: 58:27

Let's watch this fighting and let's have a sandwich.

Speaker 3: 58:32

That's awesome. So you, you are so awesome because what I mean doing the podcast, talking to like wives or husband just talking to guys at work Nice work, darlin'. Giving you wives that would message me about certain things, because they're they always say, like you know, you always explain how work is and I never really understood sometimes what my husband goes through and whatnot. And to hear how you handle that situation, because a lot of times I've always heard of this wife like complain and be like, oh, he's like this and he just does this and I just let him be like whatever.

Speaker 3: 59:03

And to hear you do that, knowing that, because to me it's such a small thing, just to go sit next to your person and, as I said, physical touch, it doesn't require much, it doesn't cost so much money, it's just literally being there for that person, and I'm sure Brent feels like man, like this person really does care, like that's the only currency you're giving him and it's all.

Speaker 3: 59:23

He's all for it, rather than just being like upset with me and then not really. It's kind of like letting me be, but it's like you don't like. You want to be, let be, but you don't want to be let be like you want your person. It's so weird to explain it. So I'm super happy that you do do that what you're coaching, because I'm do you run into that a lot with like people who are like like what, say wives or husbands like, well, my wife there's, my husband like do you run into like, because like that's a simple solution I feel like anyone could incorporate right now in the relationship for people who do do this, do this job or whatnot.

Speaker 1: 59:55

I mean the type of coaching that I do. The answers come from whatever works for it, that couple. I do offer what has worked for me, but it is trying to get my clients to detach from the behavior of their loved one, and that's that's where, if you can stop taking things personally and start to engage in more helpful communication, that starts to change the way you engage overall. There are tips like I know. When he's at a two or a three, the last thing he thinks he wants is a hug. But I force it. I, you know like I will. I will bear hug and his hands will be at his sides and I will literally like pop his elbows up. I'm like hug me back. Like hug me back.

Speaker 1: 1:00:46

There's actually studies that say when you belly breathe with someone at the same time, it's supposed to help with regulation, and so I'll just, you know, take the biggest breath and stick my belly out into his. And at the beginning he was like, oh my God, this is ridiculous. But I wore him down and this is what I will tell thousands keep trying. It's not going to work the first time because it's new and it feels strange, but consistency is key. Keep showing up. Have your support network. Have your girlfriends or your guy friends just to vent and get out all of your frustrations. But in that moment, with your spouse, be there.

Speaker 3: 1:01:30

Love it. That's awesome. Now with Brent, he's not. He said that he retired correct.

Speaker 1: 1:01:36

Yeah, he medically retired yeah.

Speaker 3: 1:01:41

How long ago was that?

Speaker 1: 1:01:42

That was in 2015. But he had he had been off duty sick for two years prior to that.

Speaker 3: 1:01:50

Have you ever talked about it? Talked to him about like what his thoughts were on, like the stigma of mental health when he was working.

Speaker 1: 1:01:57

Oh, absolutely. He would go out and speak to people about stigma reduction and how the importance of speaking with other people is. Just he couldn't apply it to himself and that you talk about like the strangest thing. Because rationally, rationally, he knew that he knew what to do but he couldn't bring himself to do it. And I think you know all of the years of therapy and hit have revealed there are there are contributing factors about why he carried the self stigma.

Speaker 1: 1:02:30

I mean it goes back to abandonment with from his mother, who left when he was very young. You know emotional repression, things in his teenage years. Those biological and historical factors lead into how someone is able to cope and so because Brent didn't have regulated coping skills to begin with, it really negatively impacted him, maybe more than someone else who who had some morph of the resilience fundamentals, if you, if you will like, maybe more like me. I mean, I came from a loving home, both of my parents are still alive, I was married, I had a good education, I didn't have abusive relationships, so I didn't have to navigate some of those things and push through in the ways that Brent found most helpful when he was a youth.

Speaker 3: 1:03:26

How has it been now? Because does he still deal with the PTSD? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:03:33

It's funny. So PTSD is something that we as a family and he as an individual, has a greater grasp of how to manage than the depression. The depression is still one of the things that is a little bit more unstable, a little bit more unpredictable and where he finds the hardest to get out of. And so navigating triggers and doing the, you know, the focusing and the breathing and the tapping, like all of the different things to help him physiologically manage the stress, he does that really well, but it's, it's the depressive states that are a little bit harder.

Speaker 1: 1:04:16

Now, those are fewer and further between than they used to be. But I would say, of the two conditions, it's the depression that's the hardest.

Speaker 3: 1:04:25

And how was it I go? Could you talk? How would it? How was it, when you're writing the book and talking about Brent, like you said, like having to bring up my current husband and what he's going through, and how was it for him knowing that you're writing the book? And did you guys talk about it all?

Speaker 1: 1:04:43

We did. Now he has not read it. I have read chapters out loud to him in an effort to show him that you know, this is the writing style. There are two specific events that I asked for his permission to put in, to which he agreed, and his he's very proud of me and he says that he trusts me implicitly. Now he says he's never been a big reader. You know he struggled with English and such when he was a teenager. So you know I don't know how many novels he's read in his life.

Speaker 1: 1:05:22

That's his I would say his little excuse about not engaging with it at this time. I'm in the process of finishing my audio books. I'm like, hey, you know, would you want to listen to it? Because I think he carries anxiety about what's there, but he's too fearful to actually learn what's there. And you know, I've had book launches and different events that he's been to reluctantly Because he's like, well, people are going to ask me what I think and I don't know what I can tell them because I haven't read it. I said, well, just tell them, it's great that I wrote a book. You're not. You know, that's accurate. He'll read it in time.

Speaker 3: 1:06:09

That's good. So you have your coach in your consulting business Before we get going, can you tell the people listening, because we do have a lot of spouses who are not even first responders on and whatnot. I mean we do have a lot of first responders who do listen, but can you tell me about the coaching consulting business that you do, because it's more geared towards like live coaching, correct?

Speaker 1: 1:06:29

Yes. So I have kind of like three primary offerings and they're based around resilience, building and moving. Well, I'm going to say moving through being stuck and when I talked about getting busy with all of the parenting and the spousing and the working and losing yourself, bringing you back to who you are. What are your values, when do you want to be Like? If this is your life now, what do you dream for and how can you get you there? So that is one program. The resilience program is more individualized. That's a one on one program where I take a lot of positive psychology tools and meet with you and assess where you are, what you need, and make it an individualized program so that one is coaching but also some teaching, and so you have a little bit of homework. You know, other times it's moving people through their emotions by asking questions, allowing them to feel in a safe space and then for them to come up with their very next best steps, and so it's a little bit for everyone, but because of my experience, there is a lot on resilience.

Speaker 3: 1:07:51

And so there's a group coaching one as well.

Speaker 1: 1:07:53

The group coaching is kind of reassessing your life. Empowered living is what it's called. So how are you existing now and how do you want to change? And there's a formula that can get you from A to B to become a little bit more secure in yourself, to start putting yourself first without guilt and to start to thrive in the environment and the life that you desire to have.

Speaker 3: 1:08:20

Okay, and you said there's a third option as well.

Speaker 1: 1:08:24

Third option is leap forward. So that's a one month intensive. There are five sessions. That's when you are really focused on closing a gap immediately about a certain aspect of your life.

Speaker 3: 1:08:39

Sounds. How could I contact you about that?

Speaker 1: 1:08:43

On my website, so wwwjodybalcumcom. There are three resources there as well. There is a five day mental health challenge to help you exercise habits that will help with your well being. There is a free PDF of my lessons learned and all of those self reflection questions that are at the end of my book, so you can see them in the book or you can go on and download the PDF and actually have a workbook to put pen to paper in that regard, and so all of that is available on my website, and then my book is available on Amazon. It's called choosing my tomorrow, surviving murder, navigating mental health and harnessing your power of choice.

Speaker 3: 1:09:31

And when will the audio for that book be done?

Speaker 1: 1:09:36

I would say I have done all of the recording. I am listening to myself.

Speaker 3: 1:09:43

Oh nice.

Speaker 1: 1:09:45

Which is an interesting prospect. You don't hear yourself speak that long in your normal day life. I actually think I need to go back and redo chapter one, because I asked my producer. I'm like did you speed this up or was I really talking that fast? It's like no that's how talk. Anyways, I got better as I got to the end. So I want to go back and redo all to say. I would say in about six weeks it's probably going to be up and available on audible.

Speaker 3: 1:10:16

Nice, you're fast with it, because I haven't even done mine yet. Are you going to start?

Speaker 1: 1:10:23

Don't talk fast.

Speaker 3: 1:10:27

Yeah, I had reached out to my editor for it as well in the producer and he's like, yeah, just do all this. And then I was like no wait, but I need to get on it. For sure, People keep asking. But I can only imagine, because I mean, with the podcast I don't even listen to myself, I just like push it. I'm like I don't want to listen to myself, I don't really talk, so it's fun. But before we get going, is there anything else you want to share with anyone? Social media and like that they can find you.

Speaker 1: 1:10:56

Yeah, they can find me on Instagram at Jody welcome. I give some some life lessons, make some short videos. I do choice challenges about really being intentional about your decision making and knowing and observing the impacts of being intentional, because when you joy doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen and you have to look for opportunities for it to be in your life. And so I talk a little bit about what that looks like, all in an effort to to make people know that where they are now, they don't have to stay there if it's not working for them and they can move forward.

Speaker 3: 1:11:37

And remember, a seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength. The fact is, it's not about being depressed or crazy. It's just about healing. There are mental injuries, some bigger and smaller, and everyone heals in their own way, but everyone can benefit from healing. This is where the stigma broke for me, and I hope you break it for yourself. Go and talk with someone today who cares what anyone thinks. Message me about when you're sick. My first broke. Stay safe and break your blue wall.